Well, this is a kick to the giblets. I assumed when I was summoned to the White House it was in recognition of my tireless advocacy for turkey rights. I wasn’t expecting a press conference in the rose garden or anything, just a meet and greet with the prez and a quick photo. Maybe a White House tour …
I’m getting a tour, alright, but it’s the special coop-to-kitchen tour. I’m this year’s White House Thanksgiving turkey! Hooray! What an honor! What a crock. I should have known my crusade against Thanksgiving would get me in trouble.
It’s too late for me now, but I’m sharing my Thanksgiving data visualization dashboard in hopes that my feathered brethren will take up the mantle and keep fighting the good fight. Not you, wild turkeys. I tried to recruit you but it was all, “Tough luck, Butterball” and “Have you tried my bourbon?” Very funny…your day will come.
I digress. Thank you, SAS, for giving me this opportunity to share my final thoughts. Hey, your software is used in all U.S. Federal departments so you must have some sway, right? Help a bird out. I’ll make it worth your while. I could write a blog targeting the underserved poultry technology market. We could call it Technical Fowl! It practically writes itself!
I adopted a “know thy enemy” approach in my fight against this deplorable holiday. Of course, my data visualization dashboard contains information on the turkey trade and associated Thanksgiving staples, including a “Pie Chart” (too easy), but there’s more. Maybe the number of turkey fryer-related house fires will scare some sense into humans?
I’m through being respectful and diplomatic. Did you know that Thanksgiving is the peak day for home cooking fires and that the National Fire Protection Association strongly recommends against using outdoor turkey fryers? What do they know? Boil gallons of peanut oil over an open flame then drop a 20 pound carcass in it! The bigger the splash, the better! [Ed note: Please do not do this.]
And why did my feathered friends become the default main course?? They ate all kinds of things at the first Thanksgiving, but you don’t see a 70-foot eel floating past Macy’s on Thanksgiving morning, do you? And what is with that perverse concoction the turducken? You’ll eat THAT but Tofurky is somehow off limits?
Well, that’s it, I guess. Next time you see me I’ll be golden brown with rosemary sticking out of God knows where and those ridiculous turkey socks on my feet. Take my work and fight on, brothers and sisters. Avenge me! The power is in your reach.