Greetings, insignificant souls.
You may call me … Gregor Castamere. It is not my true name. I stalked this strip of land when it was called New Amsterdam. My family’s name is well known. I have lived for more than 600 years, concealing my terrible secret. I am a vampire.
Why, after six centuries, would I risk my anonymity? I am in possession of such useful data visualization technology that I am compelled to share it with the world. The people of SAS were likewise … compelled, to provide this forum. They will be rewarded with their lives.
Today, I share with you my SAS dashboard. It contains information a vampire needs, at a glance, to hunt, feed and survive.
Perhaps you, my fodder, will glean insight from my data visualization and believe yourselves safer? Perhaps the representatives of Big Garlic believe I have tipped my hand in some way? Perhaps I have emboldened the slayers that nip at my heels like frustrated terriers? Or am I so confident in my power that I willingly share my most valuable information in a way that even the most simple of you can understand?
Note well, the following:
- If I must explain the special emphasis on sunrise and sunset times, then I assume you are devotees of the young adult … literature known as “Twilight.” Sunlight does not make our kind sparkle. We burst into flames and die horribly. My only hope is that if I should die by sunlight, I am holding the entire “Twilight” collection when I go.
- Even I, who witnessed New Amsterdam become New York and grow into one of the largest cities in the world, have difficulty locating places for a quick meal, or those hallowed locations my kind must avoid. A glance at my dashboard’s maps tells me all I need to know.
- Even as I share my favorite hunting grounds, I know you will still visit your popular night clubs. Your desire to be part of the hottest scene trumps your inclinations for self-preservation. I count on this and you have never disappointed.
- Slayers, do not let your “successes” fool you. You are simply depleting the number of fledgling vampires, which we create at a much higher rate than you destroy. Your efforts are for naught, your proposition foolish.
- Big Garlic, your corporate might is not insignificant and your “healthy garlic” propaganda effective. We will fight you until the last foul head and clove lie rotting in the dirt.
- It is useful, and consistently amusing, to view my word cloud and see what is “trending” about my kind. As long as the conversation is dominated by the likes of Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman, I know our existence remains safely obscured.
- You will also see that I am not unlike you in some ways. I have friends (though immortal), various interests in popular culture and I too must feed the government beast. I fear the tax collectors are also armed with SAS analytics, so I will be a good, little citizen to avoid detection.
- My version of the dashboard provides more details when I roll my cursor over the visualization. You mere mortals will have to live without these details.
Now, please peruse my dashboard below. As thanks for their innovation, I will throw the SAS mortals a bone and encourage you to delve into dashboards for various industries, and you can also use that link to "try before you buy.” How deliciously quaint…
Leave comments, if you be so bold. I shall respond…personally.
34 Comments
DELIGHTFUL. Very creative and informative. Made me want to read to the end to find more humor
Ah, the human finds me amusing. Fortunately for you, David, among my few vulnerabilities I must list flattery. So, I will thank you for your kind words, bid you a pleasant All Hallows' Eve, and spare you a nocturnal visit.
Well done Gregor, well done!
Jennifer...one of my favorite progenies was named Jennifer. I wish for you a less...scorching fate. Thank you.
Probably one of the most creative ways -- tied to the Halloween season -- to promote a product that I've ever seen...
My dashboard has been most helpful in keeping me satiated and avoiding the true death. If the SAS mortals should benefit from my largesse, so be it. I thank you.
Hello Gregor, as if your brilliant analysis using SAS wasn't enough, the first bullet point overwhelmingly convinced me that there aren't enough vampires in this world. Perhaps you and your kind would also consider holding the collected works of E.L. James during any unexpected solar encounter.
Yours for a more civilized and educated world,
~A Fan
As I have made my opinion on "Twilight" clear, you can only imagine my thoughts on its derivatives. Fan fiction? I witnessed Lord Chamberlain's Men perform "Romeo and Juliet" at the Globe Theater! 50 shades of rubbish, I say.
Innovative Product 🙂
Hello Gregor,
I am curious to know whether you've carried out any predictive analysis using SAS Visual Analytics Explorer or forecasts when building your dashboard. Curious to gain your insight on blood bank supply and where a vampire may be rewarded the most. Is there any correlation with the phase of the moon?
🙂
Kind Regards,
Michelle
Quite astute, Michelle. I have forecasted availability of AB- blood. It is quite rare in the human population, and partaking of it is akin to sipping a glass of 19th century Madeira wine. I chose not to share that analysis as I consider it a...competitive advantage, let's say.
The moon is simply a cherished companion. We are not were-beasts, after all.
Ahhhh AB- due to its rarity... Did you collaborate with Robert Allison's analysis on this? http://blogs.sas.com/content/sastraining/2014/10/28/are-you-at-risk-which-blood-types-do-vampires-prefer/ Australian may need to be cautious...
Ah yes, Mr. Allison's blog. Very interesting. I have shared it with many of my kind around the world. Perhaps a vacation is in order...the Dandenong Ranges outside Melbourne are lovely, and the tourists so trusting...
Ingenious, Gregor! So much fun to read and shows that SAS Visual Analytics can be a valuable tool for everyone across industries and for many uses....even Vampire Intelligence!
Yes, even superior vampire intelligence can be aided by well-rendered data visualization. Your plaudits are appreciated.
Nicely done Gregor! Enjoyed it 🙂
While it's certainly handy to list the Top 10 clubs, maybe you can update your dashboard to map them along with the blood banks. What good is knowing Cielo is the hottest club if you don't know where it is? Oh, and don't forget to set your clock back this weekend - an extra hour of feasting!
Be assured, Jenni, I know exactly where Cielo is and in which dark recesses I can feed without interruption. However, your suggestion is sound. That would be helpful. And yes, this is a favorite weekend of mine, unlike when I must "spring forward". A vampire under the spell of bloodlust can find himself in a most uncomfortable situation that morning. Thank you for your wise counsel.
Fascinating work, Mr. Castamere. Have you considered using this software to assist you in real estate purchases? Let me know if you should ever need legal assistance in such matters. I have extensive personal experience working with clients who have similar requirements as yourself.
I have heard of your dealings, Mr. Harker, particularly the acquisition of Carfax Abbey. As I recall, that ended rather...poorly for your client.
Very well done Gregor. I can relate to this as I was an avid watcher of "True Blood" and the "Twilight" series. You seem to have all the info you need at your fingertips using SAS VA. Are you sure VA doesn't stand for "Vampire". 🙂
I must admit I have enjoyed "True Blood" despite myself. While absurd in some ways, its portrayal of our kind is closer to reality than that of "Twilight" which, as far as I can tell, involves sparkly creatures staring at each other for uncomfortably long stretches. While we may disagree as to its virtues, I do thank you for your kind words.
Fascinating piece, Gregor (can I call you Greg?). Will you be contributing articles in the future?
p.s. Jane is not my true name either!
Greg? Are we playing tennis at the club later? No, you may call me Gregor, or Mr. Castamere. I believe I have shared enough, but if I should be inspired to contribute again I am confident the SAS mortals will accommodate my request. Thank you, "Jane".
Loved your post... you put the VA in Vampire
Mr. Castamere,
Thank you for bringing a smile to my mortal face on this hallowed day. Though I personally wish you no harm, I would be delighted if you were indeed holding the entire 'Twilight' collection on your person, should you ever be so unfortunate as to burst into flames. Thanks to my teenage daughters, I have endured images of whining, sparkling vampires...images that still haunt me. Not a scary haunt...more of a nausea. It's good to know there are still proper vampires, such as yourself. Have fun feasting in NYC tonight. And should you ever visit Kansas City, no need to come looking for me...my blood type is quite common, along the lines of a light-bodied pinot with earthy undertones. Certainly not to your taste.
-Ogy
Oh, how my spirits lift knowing I have made my food smile!
I apologize, Ogy. That was ungracious of me. To respond to comments in a punctual manner I am forsaking my day sleep. And on All Hallows' Eve, no less! It brings out a most unbecoming petulance in me. You need not fear me...for now.
Fantastic analysis of the data. I must ask, though; how did you ever manage before the availability of such technology?
A relevant question, Ms. Shelley. My knowledge was based on centuries of experience, but largely anecdotal and pieced together like some reanimated monster. (I assume your nom de guerre is a reference to the British novelist.) That approach was insufficient, as I narrowly escaped destruction several times, but only through sheer power and savagery.
Umm, SAS consultants would provide you with fresh young blood, would you like to have a meeting in order to show you some new fresh acquisitions we have here? Yummy veins!
Picaron, you rogue, are you trying to ingratiate yourself to me? I have various familiars that handle tasks that are beneath me. Perhaps you would like to join them? Alas, I am not so ancient that I wish to have my food paraded before me like cattle to slaughter. My pleasure derives as much from the hunt as the kill.
You so boldly come out telling us your nature. It is obviously an arrogant move for you or any vampire to claim out in public to being such. Your kind disgusts me! My kind will rid this world of you. We Vampire Vampire Hunters will succeed in our task. Other than that this is a very interesting idea.
Arrogance? More of a confidence in the willful ignorance of humans. They do not truly believe in our existence until they feel the exquisite pain of our fangs in their necks. You and your woeful band of witless wonders would do well to use this technology. The visualized data will reveal the profound pointlessness of your endeavors. See you soon, Inwe.
Very interesting... You seem to be very confident in the fact that you can still remain hidden, yet at the same time reveal your preferred hunting grounds. All I'm saying is watch your bask because some prey are smarter than others...
And one other thing have you met Dalmiri, if not you will soon.