The look. Anyone who has experienced a loss knows the look I am talking about. That flat smile of lips closed together. A sigh, sad eyes and tilted head. If you’ve recently experienced a death, that look greets you everywhere you go. Someone grieving recently told me it'd be nice to go to a place where no one knows you just to get a break from "that look".
I fully admit I’ve given that look and it’s ok if you have too. It’s hard to know how to respond to someone who has experienced a loss.
As I think about grief, especially during the upcoming holiday season, "that look” is a good representation of the box to which we confine those who grieve.
To be clear, grief can be long and gut-wrenching. There is no timeline or threshold for sadness we reach. Sadness is absolutely one part of grief. But there can be a false binary: that when we think of someone who has died we must be sad and then the rest of life happens when we are “not thinking of them” or “not sad”. This way of thinking can isolate those who are grieving.
Supporters of those who are mourning might avoid talking about the person who died. They might take it upon themselves to help the bereaved to “move on” through distraction. These tactics try to remove sadness from the equation, but they also erase the person who died.
As we live with loss, we learn to love that person in absence. In addition to sadness, we want to stay connected to and love someone in ways that feel good as well. (Sometimes the feel-good moments can be followed by intense bouts of grief, that is ok too.) We don’t have to confine ourselves to narrow ideals of what life after loss should look like.
Sometimes we just want to talk about that person. We just want to feel connected to them. As someone once told me so eloquently, they still pine for that person.
How could you not?
The ways of honoring or remembering someone are endless. Perhaps you can try a new approach this upcoming holiday season. I’m sharing some of my favorite ideas below and invite you to share yours as well. I hope that you’ll read to the very end to find information on a November 2nd event for all employees to honor both personal losses and fellow employees who have died.
However, if all of this feels too impossible, there is a previous post on grief and sadness during the holidays that may better align with your feelings at this moment.
You might notice a trend in my suggestions. What’s Your Grief is a great go-to for helpful information on grief.
This article from What’s Your Grief (WYG) provides a guide for re-evaluating holiday celebrations based on a values assessment. Some ideas from that article include:
- If it’s a taco bar for Christmas because that was your loved one’s favorite meal… then do it!
- Maybe movies and board games are what bring comfort… then movies and board games it is!
Here are two of my favorite suggestions from this WYG article on ways to remember your loved one during the holidays:
- Buy a gift: When you see a gift your loved one would have liked, go ahead and buy it. Donate it to a charity or give it to someone as a gift.
- Invite your family and friends to a holiday potluck: Ask guests to make a dish that your loved one liked. It definitely doesn’t have to be a normal holiday dish – just a table full of all sorts of food that your loved one loved!
More favorite ideas from this WYG article 16 Ideas for Creating New Holiday Tradition After a Death (whatsyourgrief.com):
- After Dinner Drinks: …start a tradition of meeting friends and family in the evening to remember the person who died over hot cocoa or eggnog.
- Secret Signal: Create a secret signal for your family members to give one another when something reminds them of the person who has died. This could be a signal used at any moment, happy or sad, throughout the year.
- Go Somewhere Where You Feel Close to Your Loved One: Start a tradition of visiting your loved one’s grave or another place where you feel close to them on the holiday. Choosing a designated time, like first thing in the morning, may make it easier to plan and uphold this tradition.
