I've found that when supporting others it can be helpful to simply normalize that it's ok to feel two things at once. Usually, one of the two is more "taboo".

"Of course you are feeling disappointed by your friend's actions. Being disappointed doesn't mean you are not appreciative of the positive aspects of your friendship."

"Of course you are feeling relieved that your caregiver role of many years is over and your father is no longer in pain. That doesn't mean you are any less devastated by this loss."

People are complex! And sometimes they need to be told it is ok to be. What if instead we spoke in a way that allowed for our complexities in the first place? A great start is with the word "but".

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy by Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, examines the etymology of the word "but", explaining that it means “be out”:

“It is a call for whatever follows the word to go away or else threaten whatever preceded the word. It says two reactions that coexist cannot coexist and still be associated with effective action. One or the other must go.

...'I love my husband but I get so angry with him' can make anger a very dangerous feeling for someone committed to a marriage. 'I love my husband, and I get angry with him' carries little such threat, and in fact, implies an acceptance of the experience of anger within the experience of love.”

I want to repeat that last part again, “an acceptance of the experience of anger within the experience of love.”

It's so easy to deny the complexities of our experiences by taking the "this or that" approach in our language.

I hear it from caregivers, “I love my Dad but I get so angry when he refuses to take his medicine."

I hear it from family members of those experiencing addiction, “I love her but her drinking scares me."

I hear it from those considering break-ups, “I care about him, but he’s not who I want to marry."

It's what stops us from taking next steps, "I want to try, but I don't know where to start."

It’s in our internal dialogues too, “I’m glad I tried but I wish I had done better."

Let’s rehash those thoughts using this concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

I love my Dad and I get so angry when he refuses to take his medicine. Being a caregiver is stressful to say the least. It's hard to face a roadblock when trying to get a seemingly simple task done. And that task requires the father's cooperation. Getting mad that the father is impeding (whether purposefully or not) the person's ability to complete this task is understandable. Getting mad does not detract from that person's love, because their love is not contingent on whether or not their father takes his medicine or whether or not they get this task done. This person can simultaneously love their father and be angered by his behaviors and the ensuing stress.

I love her and her drinking scares me. Of course the drinking scares this person likely for many reasons. This person loves and cares for this woman, so they are vested in her well being. This person can both love the woman and recognize her unhealthy behaviors and needs.

I do care about him and he’s not who I want to marry. Of course as their relationship grew, this person developed caring feelings for their partner. But that experience also showed that the partner was ultimately not the person they want to continue to be with. Because that person cares for their partner, they believe they deserve honesty. One can show compassion by telling their partner something painful because it is ultimately truthful.

I want to try and I don't know where to start. This person isn't discouraged from trying because they don't know where to start. Instead, recognizing this fact is the beginning of their journey. Figuring out their first step is their literal first step that they will take.

I’m glad I tried and I wish I had done better. This person can both recognize their need for improvement while also feeling pride and content in their act of trying.

I challenge you to pay attention to your use of the word "but" this week. Try substituting with the word "and", see how you feel. Can you model this when you speak to others? Can you teach your kids this new way of speaking? I know it may feel strange at first and I think it is worth it. 🙂