Magical thinking is a typical behavior in which a child believes their thoughts and actions can control outcomes. Take the example of when a pet dies and the young child has to reason with the new concept of loss. The child perceives this loss as something they could have controlled or something they can potentially fix. Examples: "I broke my toy last night, he died because I broke my toy." or "If I’m really good and I don’t get in trouble– she’ll come back!"

Eventually magical thinking lets us down enough and we mature and gain a greater understanding of our world. We turn less to magical thinking and more towards other coping habits (whether positive or harmful).

But I’m not sure this kind of thinking completely stops.

Many of our well intentioned wishes, our “if only's", and our hyper vigilance to try to avoid certain hurts or situations, are really just magical thinking in disguise. A more grown up version if you will. And there's no shame, we all do it.

Such as trying to force a relationship with someone who wasn’t a right match. Or thinking a child's happiness and success depends on them getting into a particular college. Or the idea that a parent can protect their child from ever feeling hurt. The thought that mistakes can't be made and one has to to be "the best" at every sport, activity, or role. The thought that one is responsible to "fix" the problems perpetuated by someone else. The belief that somehow one's past actions caused another person's illness.

When we break the façade of these “if only's” or “musts” and call them magical thinking - it somehow seems a bit silly. It forces us to recognize our limitations as human beings. There are just some powers we do not possess, there are just some things we cannot control. Where there is magical thinking, there may be some grief, fear, shame, or insecurity we are trying to protect ourselves from. Get curious. Focus can instead be spent on introspection and growth. I consider it a compassionate act to remind myself when I am engaging in magical thinking.

Growing up, I had a few unfortunate experiences. Each event seemed to occur after I had thrown a temper tantrum or found myself in the midst of hormonal teenage angst (ugh!). A correlation solidified in my mind between bad mood and bad things happening; as if I had caused them. This caused me to be wary of times I was upset or “not grateful”. So I continued on with a kind of forced positivity, held captive by fear that something harmful would happen if I didn't remain positive. Man, is that an exhausting way to live! This was magical thinking. I eventually realized that bad things could happen on a good or bad day, they didn’t discriminate or inquire about my mood before commencing. I also came to realize that I have the coping skills and resiliency to make it through any situation, no matter when it occurs.

This kind of thinking is perfectly described in Nora McInerney Purmort’s memoir, “It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)”. She describes a similar behavior of imagining/preparing for the worst as, “trying to form a scar before I am even wounded”. We do not have the ability to point to an exact place and create a scar in advance. That is magical thinking.

Try becoming inquisitive about what it might be that you are trying to protect. And take heart in knowing that you can develop skills and resources far more protective and productive than any kind of magical thinking. Rather than forcing relationships, you can become more familiar with your values, and pursue relationships with those who share and support you in maintaining those values. Less fear can be placed on where your child ends up, with more focus on teaching them the resiliency and the life skills that will be applicable no matter where they go. As psychologist Meg Jay encourages, don't ask yourself the fantasy question of what you would do if money wasn't an object. Instead, ask yourself how can you still be satisfied with life when money is indeed a factor. Take heart in knowing that you were born only knowing how to breathe, that all knowledge and skills you currently have are a product of learning and practice - so no - you do not have to be perfect.

Just get a little curious. There is always more insight to gain into your thinking and your situation. If you’d like to discuss this further and get connected to resources, please reach out to Work/Life.