Well, this is a kick to the giblets. I assumed when I was summoned to the White House it was in recognition of my tireless advocacy for turkey rights. I wasn’t expecting a press conference in the rose garden or anything, just a meet and greet with the prez and a quick photo. Maybe a White House tour …
I’m getting a tour, alright, but it’s the special coop-to-kitchen tour. I’m this year’s White House Thanksgiving turkey! Hooray! What an honor! What a crock. I should have known my crusade against Thanksgiving would get me in trouble.
It’s too late for me now, but I’m sharing my Thanksgiving data visualization dashboard in hopes that my feathered brethren will take up the mantle and keep fighting the good fight. Not you, wild turkeys. I tried to recruit you but it was all, “Tough luck, Butterball” and “Have you tried my bourbon?” Very funny…your day will come.
I digress. Thank you, SAS, for giving me this opportunity to share my final thoughts. Hey, your software is used in all U.S. Federal departments so you must have some sway, right? Help a bird out. I’ll make it worth your while. I could write a blog targeting the underserved poultry technology market. We could call it Technical Fowl! It practically writes itself!
I adopted a “know thy enemy” approach in my fight against this deplorable holiday. Of course, my data visualization dashboard contains information on the turkey trade and associated Thanksgiving staples, including a “Pie Chart” (too easy), but there’s more. Maybe the number of turkey fryer-related house fires will scare some sense into humans?
I’m through being respectful and diplomatic. Did you know that Thanksgiving is the peak day for home cooking fires and that the National Fire Protection Association strongly recommends against using outdoor turkey fryers? What do they know? Boil gallons of peanut oil over an open flame then drop a 20 pound carcass in it! The bigger the splash, the better! [Ed note: Please do not do this.]
And why did my feathered friends become the default main course?? They ate all kinds of things at the first Thanksgiving, but you don’t see a 70-foot eel floating past Macy’s on Thanksgiving morning, do you? And what is with that perverse concoction the turducken? You’ll eat THAT but Tofurky is somehow off limits?
Well, that’s it, I guess. Next time you see me I’ll be golden brown with rosemary sticking out of God knows where and those ridiculous turkey socks on my feet. Take my work and fight on, brothers and sisters. Avenge me! The power is in your reach.
9 Comments
Thanks for sharing your analytical insight and subject matter expertise, Lloyd. I'm curious to know whether you're friends with Gregor Castamere with your seasonal SAS Visual Analytics dashboards? 🙂 http://blogs.sas.com/content/sascom/2014/10/27/behold-pathetic-mortals-a-vampires-data-dashboard/
How meta of you with the pie chart on pies... I would have preferred a bar chart but an apple bar probably isn't as tasty 🙂 May you feather the week ahead!
Michelle,
I need to be quick. They don't know I still have web access and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to respond. Thanks for the nice words but it's looking pretty grim. I don't know Gregor but I liked his blog. As dinner-in-waiting, I appreciate that he kind of turns the tables on humans. I would wish you a happy Thanksgiving but...yeah, no.
LG
Hi LG,
Understandably you seem "ruffled" by the season... Hoping you have a happy Thanksgiving too.
Cheers,
Michelle
Lloyd Gobbler -- you poor thing. I give you major kudos for sharing such wisdom and insights with the masses amidst your ... anxiety. With all due respect -- "You must chill. YOU MUST CHILL!" 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfX_oDzOxsc
Shannon, it's hard to chill. I would "say anything" to get out of this. Hey, you know what tastes really good fried a deep, golden brown?? Chicken.
Look what I've been reduced to. The first course at this year's White House dinner? My dignity.
Lloyd -- Your thoughts please -- and hopefully not your final word -- on the Tryptophan Conspiracy? And are you for or against Billy Crystal? http://bit.ly/1vGaUNT
It's all true. In fact, if you eat more than one serving of turkey, especially a Broad Breasted White (like me) you risk falling into a "turkey coma". People joke about that, but it's the real deal. Something to think about. Tell your friends. Tell the President.
WOOOO-HOOOOO!!! Did NOT see that coming. The Pardoner-in-Chief just saved my downy behind. He kept calling me "Mac" so I'm not sure what's going on there, but the fact is, I'm free, baby!. Free as a...well...yeah.
Thanks for reading my blog. I'm kinda kicking myself for sharing my dashboard unnecessarily, but what's done is done. I still haven't shared the data on emergency room visits caused by family football games. Might want to consider two-hand touch, or a rousing game of Yahtzee.
Despite this turn of events, my fight will carry on so don't get too comfortable with your holiday feasts. I'll be back, but for now, I'm outta here!!
Great news Llyod and enjoy Thanksgiving feasting rather than being feasted 😉